Death Matches

This topic is much less serious than most of the articles on this site. Sometimes it’s time for silliness. Those of you that prefer personal introspection, or argument, will be happy with the other pieces coming later this month.

As promised, here are my answers to some Deathmatch questions given by
Tucker, one of my CCG friends on Team Steak-n-Shake. For those of you not familiar with the rules for Deathmatch, or use the South African Variations, I’ll summarize the rules I’m using. The two foes get rigged in full Virtual Reality suits (so this doesn’t require real killing; I’m basically a pacifist.) The arena is enclosed, about the size of a basketball court, with a little cover. They can bring any weapons appropriate for their time and place, and any other equipment they can carry, except ranged weapons. Because let’s face it, standing fifty feet from each other and firing guns is not interesting. The winner is the champion in hand to hand combat.

  1. Guy Montag vs. Lucca: Montag. The rules are unfair to Lucca here. Lucca’s the inventor, and usually uses a laser gun. But guns have too much range. On the other hand, the Committee on Permitted Weapons of the International Deathmatch Federation has decreed that the flamethrower is acceptable. That’s a huge advantage. While Lucca would rely on her scientific brilliance to develop an equivalent weapon, it comes down to experience. Also, I don’t think Lucca’s cruel enough to attack Montag’s weakness, Clarisse. “Are you happy?” “Did you enjoy the chestnuts?” Like the video games, this lets Kid avenge her foster mother.
  2. Esther vs. Yugi: Esther, in an upset. Well, we’ve got a Bible figure here, and a cartoon character. Of course, Yugi gets to bring his very cool wrist-mounted card shuffler. I’m envious; I want one! Unfortunately for Yugi, he’s a CCG player, and so he’s not familiar with that weird subspecies: Pretty Girl. As the book says, “she glowed with the perfection of beauty.” When Esther enters the arena, Yugi becomes slack-jawed and his arms drop to his sides. That gawkiness is his downfall; the Power of the Deck doesn’t work if he doesn’t draw. We’ve all seen what happens, so I don’t need to describe the process; it ends with Yugi’s first and only kiss, and a knife, a true kiss of death.

  3. Mimiru vs. the entire U of C statistics department: The Department. A big assumption here is that I get to control the planning and attack. While the department has about 60 people, maybe 10 have actual fighting ability. So our plan would be to give sticks to everyone else, and send in a mass attack with 45 or so statisticians. (This has eerie similarities to most of World War I.) Mimiru, from dot hack, would easily dispatch most of them, since they’re basically 1 strength like Goblins. But 45 is a lot, and since we’d be smart enough not to attack black ninja style, she’d get overwhelmed by sheer beatdown. Then we’d send in the athletic people for the finishing blows.
  4. Jeff vs. Condoleeza Rice: Jeff. This is the easiest of the five, really. Not only does Jeff (2nd at dot hack worlds, and inventor of the deck I borrowed to play) have a size advantage over our National Security Advisor, Jeff also has the ability to rage. Let’s pick a more interesting national figure. Bush? Never used a military weapon. Cheney? Lots of anger, but the health issue gives Jeff too much advantage. I know! Ralph Reed. He’s still pretty young, and clearly has a deal with some demonic power. Jeff would use a sword, and his size advantage, to corner the “Christian” Man. But then some words of Gehenna would be said, a blue fire would shoot from Ralph’s fingers, and Jeff would start convulsing on the ground.
  5. Spike vs. Sam: Spike, though this depends on motivation. On a straight physical basis, Spike has hundreds of years of vampire training, vampire abilities, and normal size. Sam’s a hobbit. This is a bigger mismatch than Jeff vs the fantasy of Luke on Joan of Arcadia. But, throw in the protection of Frodo, Sam’s true love (in a philia way), and Sam manages to find a way to win, probably by stabbing from below and getting the heart. Spike has a counter, however. If it’s Dawn vs Frodo, Spike’s got enough human spark left to just barely spin so that the attack hits his chest. Then, with the wood in his body, he comes down on Sean Astin’s head and knocks him out.

About Adam

My quest is a world where calling someone "virtuous like a fairy tale hero" is routine, not fantastic or ironic. My vocation is the teaching and learning of statistics. My dream is a long happy life with a wonderful wife and kids. Who knows if any will become true? More information is at my homepage on the twelvefruits network:
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